tell me the first thing that comes to mind: pork umbrella
something is very wrong with today. so many things have happened today, that i'm starting to wonder if god got sick of looking after everyone, and decided to play a game of pinball with my sanity. let me explain...
7:00am - a screaming sound is emitted from the floor of my bedroom, in the general vicinity of my alarm clock. while normally it is something of an obnoxious (but apparently effective) cross between a buzz and a siren, today sounded like the spawn of satan himself was attempting to remove himself from the very device he created. it sounded absolutely nothing like it normally does, and may have infact have been the screams of the damned. scaring the piss out of me so bad i actually jumped about 3 inches off the bed, only to land 1 foot to the left and subsequently 2 feet lower than my mattress which happens to be the general position of the hardwood floor next to my bed.
ok, so no worries, i'm only sweating more than rita macneil in an ironman competition, at least i'm awake. so what if i might be for the next week as well? i get myself ready by showering, still a little shaky from the doomspeak emitted not minutes earlier. i plug in the iron, do some running around the house, grabbing the things i need for the day, etc. i come back to the ironing board, reach up, grab my shirt, place it on the ironing board, and go to grab the iron. it however, is not where i left it. now, at first i thought "my god, perhaps the screams from my alarm clock were the screams of the damned and they have possesed my iron. maybe it has grown legs and a face and a tail and a sinister little grin and has coarse little hair that covers it. maybe it is currently taking over this city with nothing more than a small army of blow dryers and electric razors and the mayor is preparing to declare a state of emergency for all mankind." however as my foot started to feel less and less like its usual ice-blocky self and more and more like a the surface of the sun, i started to wish it was the former.
after hopping around on one foot, down the hall, up 7 stairs, trying to find something with a sub-zero temperature to numb the 8 nerves left on the top of my foot, i managed to get back to the ironing board and accomplish the original task i had set out to do. that's not to say i didn't burn myself again, because i did, many times in fact, but these mini-burns (or "burnettes" as i like to call them) were nothing more than a nuisance which were simply followed by a "goddammit!"
7:50am - after finally getting through almost an hour of agony, i get in my car. "but nexxai," i can hear you ask, "wherefore art thou headed at such an early hour on a stat holiday? dost thou have an emergency?" oh no. no emergency. i'm just going to work.
wait a second.
work? on arguably the most important holiday of the year? the one where we remember those who fought for our freedoms? one and the goddamned same. those freedoms that were fought for in both world wars, seem to only have allowed us to become the ultra-capitalistic society that we are today. now don't get me wrong, i love being able to earn a wage based on my skill as much as the next guy, but i don't think we should be abusing it and trying to fix "omg my e-mail is down and the porn won't come through, it won't come through!" issues, or "my num lock key is broken; the light is on but the keys aren't doing anything" problems. it just seems like we're pissing on the graves of those who lost their lives in battle.
7:58am - here's where things finally start looking up. i get in the elevator and notice the sign saying that the hvac system is going to be off all day. hot damn! i don't have to wear 2 jackets, a sweater, a t-shirt, ski pants, 3 pairs of slacks, and nasa-approved heated body-underwear today! no more trying to blow hot air into my hands to try and regain feeling in my fingers. maybe this day won't be so bad.
9:13am - a co-worker calls. when a co-worker calls, it's bad. they don't call to ask about the weather, or what was on the tube last night. turns out that we're doing a microsoft windows small business server install and the discs are scratched. dammit.
after frantically calling all of our other clients near where he was to obtain a copy for the time being and finding none of them open for business on a goddamned holiday (whodathunkit?), we start running around the office looking for a set. while neglecting to look in the only binder labelled "microsoft - sbs2003", we started freaking out. (for those of you playing the home game, "sbs" are the initials to "small business server", coincedentally the exact same product we in fact were looking for.) after looking around it, even under it, we finally realized our blunder and high fived each other in a vaguely homoerotic display of affection. [ed. note: some of the previous sentence may or may not be true.]
in true nexxai fashion, i then left darren all alone on the helpdesk, hopefully armed with enough knowledge to avoid any critical disasters, and i rushed downtown with the binder full of cds. also in true nexxai fashion, i also made it all the way downtown, and back to work in a land speed record of 20 minutes. taking into account that we are somewhere in the neighbourhood of 110th ave, and the discs had to be delivered to 11th ave, i'd say i made pretty damn good time. i'd also say with a fair amount of certainty, that i have now unofficially volunteered myself as the new internal delivery boy.
[ed. note 2: holy crap this is getting long.]
[ed. note 3: after being "distracted" by work, i've lost my rhythm and can't write anymore. plus it's now goddamned sweltering in here and focusing is taking way too much energy. suffice it to say that today has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and with there still being 9 hours left of the day, there's still a damn good chance i might end up in full blown hysterics at some point. keep your fingers crossed.]
7:00am - a screaming sound is emitted from the floor of my bedroom, in the general vicinity of my alarm clock. while normally it is something of an obnoxious (but apparently effective) cross between a buzz and a siren, today sounded like the spawn of satan himself was attempting to remove himself from the very device he created. it sounded absolutely nothing like it normally does, and may have infact have been the screams of the damned. scaring the piss out of me so bad i actually jumped about 3 inches off the bed, only to land 1 foot to the left and subsequently 2 feet lower than my mattress which happens to be the general position of the hardwood floor next to my bed.
ok, so no worries, i'm only sweating more than rita macneil in an ironman competition, at least i'm awake. so what if i might be for the next week as well? i get myself ready by showering, still a little shaky from the doomspeak emitted not minutes earlier. i plug in the iron, do some running around the house, grabbing the things i need for the day, etc. i come back to the ironing board, reach up, grab my shirt, place it on the ironing board, and go to grab the iron. it however, is not where i left it. now, at first i thought "my god, perhaps the screams from my alarm clock were the screams of the damned and they have possesed my iron. maybe it has grown legs and a face and a tail and a sinister little grin and has coarse little hair that covers it. maybe it is currently taking over this city with nothing more than a small army of blow dryers and electric razors and the mayor is preparing to declare a state of emergency for all mankind." however as my foot started to feel less and less like its usual ice-blocky self and more and more like a the surface of the sun, i started to wish it was the former.
after hopping around on one foot, down the hall, up 7 stairs, trying to find something with a sub-zero temperature to numb the 8 nerves left on the top of my foot, i managed to get back to the ironing board and accomplish the original task i had set out to do. that's not to say i didn't burn myself again, because i did, many times in fact, but these mini-burns (or "burnettes" as i like to call them) were nothing more than a nuisance which were simply followed by a "goddammit!"
7:50am - after finally getting through almost an hour of agony, i get in my car. "but nexxai," i can hear you ask, "wherefore art thou headed at such an early hour on a stat holiday? dost thou have an emergency?" oh no. no emergency. i'm just going to work.
wait a second.
work? on arguably the most important holiday of the year? the one where we remember those who fought for our freedoms? one and the goddamned same. those freedoms that were fought for in both world wars, seem to only have allowed us to become the ultra-capitalistic society that we are today. now don't get me wrong, i love being able to earn a wage based on my skill as much as the next guy, but i don't think we should be abusing it and trying to fix "omg my e-mail is down and the porn won't come through, it won't come through!" issues, or "my num lock key is broken; the light is on but the keys aren't doing anything" problems. it just seems like we're pissing on the graves of those who lost their lives in battle.
7:58am - here's where things finally start looking up. i get in the elevator and notice the sign saying that the hvac system is going to be off all day. hot damn! i don't have to wear 2 jackets, a sweater, a t-shirt, ski pants, 3 pairs of slacks, and nasa-approved heated body-underwear today! no more trying to blow hot air into my hands to try and regain feeling in my fingers. maybe this day won't be so bad.
9:13am - a co-worker calls. when a co-worker calls, it's bad. they don't call to ask about the weather, or what was on the tube last night. turns out that we're doing a microsoft windows small business server install and the discs are scratched. dammit.
after frantically calling all of our other clients near where he was to obtain a copy for the time being and finding none of them open for business on a goddamned holiday (whodathunkit?), we start running around the office looking for a set. while neglecting to look in the only binder labelled "microsoft - sbs2003", we started freaking out. (for those of you playing the home game, "sbs" are the initials to "small business server", coincedentally the exact same product we in fact were looking for.) after looking around it, even under it, we finally realized our blunder and high fived each other in a vaguely homoerotic display of affection. [ed. note: some of the previous sentence may or may not be true.]
in true nexxai fashion, i then left darren all alone on the helpdesk, hopefully armed with enough knowledge to avoid any critical disasters, and i rushed downtown with the binder full of cds. also in true nexxai fashion, i also made it all the way downtown, and back to work in a land speed record of 20 minutes. taking into account that we are somewhere in the neighbourhood of 110th ave, and the discs had to be delivered to 11th ave, i'd say i made pretty damn good time. i'd also say with a fair amount of certainty, that i have now unofficially volunteered myself as the new internal delivery boy.
[ed. note 2: holy crap this is getting long.]
[ed. note 3: after being "distracted" by work, i've lost my rhythm and can't write anymore. plus it's now goddamned sweltering in here and focusing is taking way too much energy. suffice it to say that today has been a rollercoaster of emotions, and with there still being 9 hours left of the day, there's still a damn good chance i might end up in full blown hysterics at some point. keep your fingers crossed.]
posted by Justin Smith at
1:29 p.m.
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